A look into the depths of my heart

Come thirsty...

2008-03-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

Argh! Slept too too much yesterday. The idea of discipline is still not strongly grafted into my life yet. I look at those students in school that study so hard and often I have two reactions: firstly, I worry for them. I worry that if they study so hard and focus their life’s goals on achieving the “perfect” job, that they may miss out the point to what Jesus meant when He said he wanted to give us an abundant life (John 10:10). Secondly, however, I envy them. Their discipline seems to stem from a motivation within them that desires to see their goal achieved; perhaps their goal is different from mine, but at least they do everything they can to achieve it. I, however, have a huge problem I realize. I often have passion for a lot of things, but end up never ever seeing them to completion. This is where I desire to change, but that change can only come from a renewed perspective and strength that I need to find in Christ.

I picked up the book “Come Thirsty” today by Max Lucado; been sitting on my drawer for two months, so figured it’s time to wipe that dust off it. I figure I’ll start somewhere, and these two words really attract me: Come thirsty. One sentence in the book – actually it’s a comment by a friend of his – really struck me:

“As physical life is impossible apart from the unique composition of water, so spiritual life is inconceivable apart from the empowerment of “living water”.

This is true, and yet I often try to use too much of my own strength; I pray this will not continue, as I realize that as a leader among people, I keep having to give and give, but there reaches a point –and I think it’s already reached some time ago – where I have nothing to give, because I’m simply giving them “re-runs”; things I already told them or shared with them time and time again. So hear I begin a journey to seek living water, that the verse Jesus promised would be fulfilled and experienced in my life:

“If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.” John 7:37-38

I will post comments I respond to the questions at the back of his book; this way this blog will be a reminder to myself, and perhaps those questions will also apply to you too. I chose some only, as there are far too many questions for me to type each day.

Prologue questions

I know you are a better person that this. I also know it’s not too late to make a change. This street you’re traveling? The houses look nice, but the road goes nowhere….

Are you satisfied with the life you’re leading? Explain.

I’d have to say yes and no. Yes, because I’ve really got everything I need and want. Friends who care for me, ministry to serve in and people to support me in those ministries. Clear direction of what/who I want to be in 5 years, a loving family and an amazing girlfriend. I’m not financially burdened in any way, and God has always never failed to provide for me in all my needs. My health has it’s ups and downs but there’s nothing I can truly say that is worth complaining about…… No, because the road I’m heading down is almost so “fixed”, so well planned out for me, people have so much hopes for me (family, friends, church leaders) that I’m almost literally being “directed” towards a path I personally want to get off for a while and go “STOOOOOOOOP!!” I am happy and honored with the plans God has for me, but personally, I am too dry to be a blessing to others at this time.

Do you ever feel that it’s too late to make a change?

Well….I was thinking about just that this morning. Certain friendships, roles, in my life; I wanted to just give them up and in a way “restart”. Those roles have gone way past their “honeymoon” stage, and now it’s all icky and tough…every step is tough. Sometimes I do feel it’s too late to make any change, that perhaps it’s not my place to make a change, and I should just let go. But no, God teaches it pretty clearly that it’s never too late, until He says so. I don’t think I determine when that is.

What street are you currently traveling on? Where does the road appear to lead?

It seems to be leading towards full-time ministry, possibly having something to do with young people and music; some kind of combination of that.

Stress signals a deeper need, a longing. We long to fit in, to make a difference. Acceptance, significance – these matter to us. So we do what it takes; we go into debt to buy the house, we stretch the credit card to buy the clothes… and life on the treadmill begins.

Descrivbe your current stress level

Let’s just say I have to stop what I’m doing and take “deep breathes” way too often!

What “deeper need” or “longing” can you identify in your own heart?

Well, there’s the more practical one of the desire for comfort; to be comforted by people around me, rather than having to be the one to be strong anymore. There’s also that deepr longing of a very very close relationship with God; one where I can almost hear Him speak all the time. I miss those days….

When do you most feel as though you’re living on a treadmill?

When I’m busy for ministry, so busy that I don’t have time for myself at all….

We spend a lot of energy going nowhere. At the end of the day, or end of the life, we haven’t moved one step. We’re stuck.

If you continue your present course, where do you think you’ll be in ten years? Fifteen? Twenty?

If I continue like this….I’ll be dead. No, serious. The kind of lifestyle, sleeping, eating habits; they’re not for a human being. I don’t believe I was created to be like this, and God didn’t intend for me to be like this. So if I continue, I will not only burn out, I will expire.

Does your present path keep you near God? What path change should you consider to keep God close?

Ironically, a life full-time devoted to God should keep me ever so close to God. But a life of “doing”, when believing in a God that has “done” all things already…well, it’s not working as well as I though. My path, must change to be more of a relationship with God; more time with Him. More desire to worship Him, than to present Him to my friends. Yes, it’s important to evangelise, but there’s also time I need time alone with God. Jesus was a good example of that.

Lucado’s devotion ended with a review of the Samaritan woman. A question he asked was what was Jesus’ main goal in his interaction with this woman? I’d say a relationship. The ultimate goal was not to reveal her sins, nor was it to ask for water; in fact, Jesus was offering the water she needed to have streams of living water in her. This led to the woman’s 180 degress change, where she became an immediate evangelist for Jesus, going round to tell everyone what He had done; all this started with a relationship.

Father, today I just would like to renew that relationship with you.Nothing too complicated, nothing too fanciful, but just a relationship with You in which I can feel Your presence, and hear You speaking to me in all the things I do. Thank You for Your love. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

More than ever....

2008-03-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

Luke 7:47
Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

More than ever,
I'm thankful for the cross.
More than ever,
I understand what it means to be forgiven.
More than ever,
I see the gain I receive in Your loss.
More than ever,
I see the depth and ugliness of my transgression.

For those who have been forgiven little,
their love is not as much.
But I've been forgiven of many sins,
and by Your love, have I been touched.

So I will love You all my days,
my arms lifted high with songs of praise.
I'll speak of Your love so all men may see,
My God, my Savior, Died for me.

.....those were just thoughts as I woke up today. Thought about the scripture of the woman brought before Jesus, and how she must have been terrified to be condemned by the whole world, and I wondered what she was thinking. Perhaps it was something like this: "If this man is really a prophet, or if He truly is the Son of God, then surely He knows that the people are right, that I am a sinner, worthy to be condemned....surely I will not live past this hour." Imagine her surprise as Jesus not only didn't condemn her, but showed her grace. GRACE! That's what the cross shows us. That while we are all "sinners, worthy to be condemned", God demonstrated His love towards us, saying "Lord, Forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing..."

isaiah 53:5

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

I made this video last night for church; it's in mandarin but pictures may speak more than the words can:

Lord, thank You for Your love. May I not hesitate to share this good news with others, for Your death showed us Your love, Your resurrection brought us victory! No longer must we live unsure of tomorrow, so I ask Lord that You let me live with hope. No matter how tired I am, this life I live for you! In Jesus' name, amen.

After a long, long time... Jesus.

2008-03-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a long time since my last post; I received certain "answers" I needed to hear during those days as I sought God's will, and after that I took action alot more, and it also meant I had very little time to reply e-mails, check blogs. Today I am still very much busy, but decided that I should record this day on my blog.

I'll be honest. I never really liked the "Passion of the Christ". It makes me feel uncomfortable each time I see it, and for me personally I think it focuses too too much on the suffering of Christ, and makes it a movie where while you watch you have nothing to do but cry because you are literally watching a person being tortured. Personal opinion is that the Jesus' portrayed there is tortured probably more than what actually occured due to historical records of the event I've been thinking of; but that's not the point today.

Today I am making a video, a short one, for tomorrow's Good Friday service. Much of this clip is taken from "Passion of the Christ", and as I chose clips for the video I am making, I couldn't help but get teary eyed. Sure, maybe it wasn't THAT bad, but it was definitely bad. How much less pain could a whipping be, or how much less pain could a crucifixion be? How did it feel to be condemned by the same people He came to save..... it hurt pretty bad, and I think it will still hurt as I continue to finish this video.

A song goes "I'm forgiven, because you were forsaken; I'm accepted, you were condemned". What this means is it was because He took all that we deserve, all that we are, and replaced that with His righteousness and love. He took our sins on that cross. Because He willingly was forsaken by all He held so dear, today we can have life and meaning. Because He was condemned on that cross where even God the Father left His presence, we are today accepted not only as servants...no, not even only friends.....now we are accepted as CHILDREN of God. That's the most intimate, most rewarding relationship we could ever imagine to have with a all-powerful God.

As I finish the clip, I know even if it gets a little too graphic, or too extreme, I may have to cut some for the sake of the elders in the church but I know this: God is using even this clip to reach to me. I am spending hours to do this, and it will be through this that I know I have hours to reflect on God's love, God's mercy for me.

Thank you Jesus, You didn't have to. It wasn't those nails that kept You on that cross, it was Your love. You loved us enough to get beaten, get stripped of Your clothes and Your glory which You deserve, and You were obedient even to death. You were willing to die for me, let me live for You. I thank You, and even though not everyone takes Good Friday seriously, I want to spend the day thanking You, blessing Your name. To Yours be the glory and honor, forever and ever. Amen.

Day 6: IGNITE

2008-02-12T22:57:00.000-08:00

Today should technically be a terribly stressful day for me, because tomorrow I am going to have a test for which I can say is my most unprepared test ever. I believe only in "you reap what you sow", so I will just do my best studying in the morning. However, at this time, today I had to look beyond all that and focus on a much more important task at hand: igniting the flam in my heart, and in the hearts of others.

Ever had that feeling where you were excited about something, and needed others to be a part of this? Ever been excited for a movie, and your friends were too? It's fun to be excited alone, but much more enjoyable and thrilling when others around you were just as excited! I'm speaking of revival on campus; something God has once again placed in my heart. Today as I pray the word "IGNITE" came into my heart, and I feel that will be my main role for the rest of the year: to ignite the flame in others, so that they will in turn ignite other people! For too long I've tried to do things alone, but God's asking me to call others into this and make it happen only when the body of Christ is united. CCF is definitely where I see it starting for myself, but it's FAR from limited to just CCF; if the whole campus is to be revived, the whole campus CHURCH (the 8 fellowships on campus) have got to all be a part of this.

Today I got to a see a glimpse of that excitement once again, and I'm excited like crazy! Reading week could not come at a better time...time for the soldiers to enter into the battefield!! "But wait...", you say. "how do you enter a battlefield in reading week, when everyone is not studying at school?" Because......the battle is not won by us, but by God, and for that to happen, His people must seek Him, and PRAY to Him! The battle is already won, the victory was decided 2000 years ago, and what we need to do today is to PRAY, PRAY and PRAY some more. I have hesitated with this for some time now, because I was personally in the pit, as you could see in previous posts....but now that God has revived my passion for His name, I cannot ignore the power of prayer to change lives, melt hearts, and shake campuses!

I like what a pastor once said: You want to know if people love a pastor, see the attendance on a Sunday servie. You want to know if people love the worship band, come and see the Saturday night praise night attendance. But you want to know if people truly love Jesus...... come and see how many come to the church prayer meeting!!!!

I was like "wow....never thought of it that way before". But Jesus Himself pointed out, "My house will be a house of prayer for all nations..." Which part of that do we not understand? I think it's clear what Jesus desires His people to do.

Read attentively to what these verses say. This was written to the people of Israel about their plight, and how God would respond:

2 Chronicles 7:13-15
"When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place.

There's so much to talk about, but today I thought I'd focus on the bolded parts:

Who are called by My name...

Do we truly realise who we are associated to when we call ourselves Christians? It's not any denomination, pastor, church building, association or group....it's Christ that we are claiming to be associated with. And if Christ is who we are named after, then this promise above applies to us. Not jsut the Israelites...but us too! We are His people.

Pray and seek his face...

I always think it is interesting how we often associate prayer with God doing something for us, but perhaps we miss the point. I emphasize this all too often: Prayer does not so much move the hands of God (I do believe it does though!) as much as it prepares the hearts of men (for what God has to say). To seek His face...that seems to explain a little of what prayer is. You see, to seek a person's face, it would mean we not only want to see what the person can do for us, but we want to KNOW The person. So prayer is not to only seek the works of His hands, but to also KNOW God, His purposes and ways.

Will heal their land...

Do we realise that this is a promise? This is nothing short of a promise from God, that if we truly seek His face, HE WILL - and God cannot and does not go against His word - heal our land. That's something I think God desires for us, to see us be healed, as well as to see others around us being healed too. But he cannot give what we do not truly want, can He? The gift is ours for the taking, but we must personally receive it.

To the prayers offered in this place...

I look at this verse and think "wow....this is what fellowship, church should be offering to God". God's offering requirement is so much more than money; some people have missed the point when they've given 10% of their salary each month, but not offered their hearts to God. Here it emphasizes one more thing: prayer. Do we offer up our prayers to God? Do we truly seek Him? Do we lift our friends, our campus, our families up in prayer? I pray that we will not stop realizing the power and excitement of a life a prayer.

Father, what starts as a prayer on a blog, may it continue as a prayer we lift up to You daily. It is my prayer that You ignite the campus, leave no room and person untouched by Your love. What seems impossible to the human mind now, show them O Lord You are more than capable of doing. Use us for the impossible, so that men may see and know that You are the true and living God. To Yours be the glory, the honor and the FAME, forever and ever. In Jesus name, Amen!

Day 5: "God grant me success...."

2008-02-11T11:01:00.000-08:00

Today this morning as I left home, I left with a prayerful heart praying the prayer of Abraham's servant in Genesis 24. (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=1&chapter=24&version=31&context=chapter)
You see, today I had to run to the public school beside me, then go enquire at my university, and later I shall go to the private school my brother studied at. My brother has already bought a ticket to leave Singapore, and still over here I have not got him into any school yet; I know this is God's plan for him so I am not worried, but my heart was racing as I went in to each place: What if they said it's too late? What if they say that my brother has to wait one more year? What if they say his math cannot be upgraded? All sorts of questions and doubts came in my head, so I simply prayed a prayer: "Lord, grant me success and provide me the words to say, and Lord may you close the door where my brother should not go". So the lady at the public school spoke to me, really friendly, and within a minute she confirmed that my brother cannot go there (too old!), and gave me an adult school number to try. The man who helped me at UTM was very nice too, he gave me a private room to speak to me, and there was coffee etc there (I didn't take it though!). Soon he also confirmed everything I already knew: application was still possible, he told me the grade my brother needs to get in (a very achievable grade) and he also confirmed that he needed to be in a high school to apply properly...that means no adult school.

So the Lord made things so clear so far, and I think God's pointing to Bronte College once again, though I will know that for sure later at 3pm, when I go for the scheduled appointment.

I also learnt something amazing, which the Psalmist David said as well: Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely Lord (Psalm 139:4). The same is confirmed in Genesis 24, where the servant is not even FINISHED his prayer yet, and the prayer is already answered! Our God's amazing.

So what I'm referring to is something I've been hesitating for about a month. I applied to get a summer job in Kingston to work with my professor with bats. And I have been hesitating, knowing the deadline is this week. I wasn't sure, there were so many different reasons why I didn't want to go...but today my professor personally e-mailed me (that's not normal for a biology professor like him) and even said he's "waiting for my reply", so that made me very encouraged that he truly was interested in giving me a job. God's been making things really clear for me so far, and I am just so confident the moment I graduate, God will once again show me what he desires me to do. :) For now, I will just obey Him in what I've been called to do.

Father, thank you, for You are the same God who granted success to Abraham's servant. Today, grant me continual success in all I do, for Your name's sake, that Your name may be glorified through our lives. I'm asking You grant me wisdom to know what to say, where to go, and what to do, and also when to be still and wait upon You Lord. Thank you Lord for Your amazing faithfulness. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Day 4: Almost "LOST"; saved by grace!

2008-02-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

Today's sharing will be VERY long....I guess more for myself to remember than for any of you to truly read it all! But do read through it, and listen to the mp3s on the right (entitled "guilt" and the song "worthy is the lamb") if you'd like to fully experience what I experienced.

Two days ago we were watching season 4, episode 2 of LOST in my room with the projector we have, and my roommate - who doesn't usually watch LOST - asked me....is this the first season? I was like, no, this is the 4th season, they've been lost for a long time already!

haha... we all laughed at the idea of the show's characters being lost, but in my mind I argued that if they were'nt lost, then the....well....the show would be over. In our life, however, once we stop wandering around and return to God's arm, we too are no longer lost, but the show's far from over: the real life has only just begun!

Today, I missed church. I won't delve into the details, but it literally caused me to go into another one of those" silly KEnny, here you go again phases", and I thought I was going to end up into another round of guilt/condemnation of myself. In my heart I was like "darn, I can't seem to get out of this....here we go again....another week of sulking?"

Immediately upon waking up, I had the urge to call Peggy; I had slept in till 2pm refusing to get up, although I was far from tired already. Upon calling her, I heard about her experience that was the closest brush to see a person die in front of her, and both her and I knew how fresh the thought was, since my Auntie's husband only recently passed away. It brought tears to my eyes, and before I could begin the day with sulking, this brought things back to perspective. Below is Peggy's thoughts, and I've gotten permission from her to share this (thanks Peggy!):

Today at church something terrifying happened. Well at least to me it was terrifying.
We were in the middle of the service when one of the choir ladies interrupted the pastor to take her glass of water.And all this is happening the choir stands so everyone can see what is happening. So the lady offers the glass of water to another lady called Barbara. Barbara is just sitting there in her chair, no one really knew what was going on until we saw that Barbara wasn't responding at all; she was just sitting there, in her chair, eyes closed, as if she was asleep. But no matter how they tried to wake her, she wouldn't respond. At one point of time she even slumped in her chair a little until someone held her up. And the church was deathly silent. The choir members helped her take off her choir garments.

Watching all this, my heart started beating faster and faster and tears just came out of my eyes, it was awful. I thought she was dead and it reminded me of uncle Louie who passed away just as peacefully. It's almost as if only today was I hit by the realization about Uncle Louie's death. This lady called Vicky saw I was crying and she came sit with me and said "I just wanted you to know, everything will be okay". We sang Barbara's favorite song while someone called 911 and the rest were tending to her and then we ajourned to the lower hall, and continued singing songs and got updates from the other choir members. We prayed for her as well. News came back that she had come to, can recognize everyone but is still a little shaky.

The other thing that shook me was that Thelma, her sister was sitting right in front of me; I didn't know until Vicky told me that they are sisters. And Thelma was crying and sitting there helplessly (she is very, very old). And it just touched me so bad. I came home and cried a little more. I never experienced this before, and I never would know how I would have reacted. But I can say that the moment it seemed like Barbara wasn't waking up, everything was just shut off.

During service my mind was wandering here and there; I was listening but still it wandered around some times and I'd have to catch myself back. But during this last part, it seemed like everything came to a standstill, my mind only thinking about one thing and I thought on hindsight, wow, we only become 'real' when we really are one-tracked about something. Meaning, when there are other distractions, we never really touch with our inner being. And that led me to think about meditation with God, and how that can some times be such a difficult thing to achieve though we yearn for it. But having a taste of it, I crave for more. I'm not sure how to do it, I mean in theory we can think of how it works but only the Holy Spirit can lead you into it. Mmm that's what's going on in my head today.

This sharing brought alot of things back into perspective. And I laughed at myself at how quickly and easily I can forget a lesson I only learnt two or three days ago: that there's so many things out there so much more important, that I cannot focus on the TINY problems I am facing. That God is way above them, and I shouldn't be focusing on them, but on Him! I guess I understand why one person went up to Martin Luther and asked him one day..."why do you keep teaching about grace every week?" Martin Luther responded "Because we always forget." Ah....the human who needs reassurance of God's grace each week; I'm like that too.

So I listened to a sermon (click the mp3 link on the right of this blog) today that's been sitting on my desk for over a few weeks; I knew it would speak to me, but I don't know why I've been waiting that long. There's a few things that touched me deeply, a few things that hit me so hard, but this is one of the phrases I heard over and over again: "Guilt concealed by FEAR is UNLIVABLE". He repeated this several times, and then he talked of a story of a person before a judge, and he asked the judge if he was guilty. The judge said "Yes, you are guilty of guilt". I didn't understand that at first, but then as I listened on, I realised that being guilty of guilt meant that there was no solution to it; guilt on its own is not placed in our hearts by God. But to be guilty of sin, ah....that's something God wants each of us to realise. To realise we are sinners, guilty of sin, then we realize the promise of the cross: to break us from this "guilt of sin" so that we no longer live in guilt. To live in guilt any longer would be like being given the keys to our chain, but we just continue wearing it so that we feel "better" about ourselves, since that is what we rightly deserve. That's where grace comes in.

Guilt that "surrenders to grace" is forgiveable. Wow....I think that's so powerful. If we accept that we are sinners, we must also accept that Christ has atoned us from this all. I could say so so much about what I learnt through this simple sermon, but I think you need to listen to this sermon yourself. The story of the wife's love touched me deeply, and through her forgiving her husband, she showed a glimpse of God's grace on the cross. The final story of the boy and the marbles I could totally relate with; because of guilt and sin, it haunts me. And guilt "will continue to haunt until you have given Him ALL your sins."

The last thing that happened was that for some strange reason, only one song (Worthy is the lamb; click on the right) was in the list along with my sermon in itunes, and this song played immediately after this sermon, and I began to worship, and to thank Jesus for His cross, His death for me, and to know I am truly forgiven.

John 8:32 "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

Father, today you taught me the truth. The truth is you realize the full depth and danger and threat of sin, you know how much it torments your children, and how much it has destroyed me. You knew this so well, that you knew that the only way to save us, was to take our place on that cross. Thank you Lord, for I understand today that the cross is more than big enough for my sins, and now that I know the truth, the truth has set me free. Free to live the way I was designed: for Your glory. Lord, I'm asking you to continue to teach me and guide me each day, so that I may worship You in Spirit and in truth. Let me no longer live a life of guilt, for the Truth has set me free. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Day 3: Just a comment...

2008-02-09T08:49:00.001-08:00

I will write a longer one this evening probably, but just a thought that I had as I read a message given to me from a friend:

A. People are only too busy until we are persuaded that the high vision in God is real. Believers in college, the marketplace, serving children at home or in ministry are too busy to seek Christ in this way until they have confidence that is for them and is attainable. Then we find time.

I realized the old phrase that "time is what you make of it" is pretty true. Today I go to a sad ocassion, but also a "celebration", so to speak - a homecoming for a dearly loved church member who passed away; he's safe with Jesus now. Something about the funeral has taught me so much, and today I thought about one more thing. His children, and alot of people, have placed down ALL their commitments, their jobs and responsibilities and roles in life, to come for this funeral. Why? Because to them, this is important. It's important because the person who passed away is close to their heart.

As I thought about that, I wondered how close to our heart Jesus is..... how willingly will we put down everything for Jesus, and follow Him? If today I were to call for an "emergency meeting" to pray for UTM, I wonder how many people would feel the need to come; how important is God's ministry, His passion for the lost,....how important is that to us? I question myself too, as lately I become "busy" with things, occupying myself with self-centred times of sulking, complaining, bitterness and hurt, and here I am today, wondering whether others will hear God's voice without me..... I realize God very much wants me back, and doing what He's made me passionate about doing. I know alot of people don't understand why I'm so extreme in my service to Him (and I do realize I need to care for my health), but I always wonder how people could walk away in the middle of a prayer meeting for a phone call, or grab a bite before we begind worship; for me all things become trivial when doing God's service. I guess the comical part comes AFTER I have served, and then I realize I haven't had breakfast, lunch OR dinner! Don't learn from my example in that area, but I do challenge each of us - myself included - on whether we are ready to do what Jesus commanded:

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
(Matt 16:24, Mark 8:34, Luke 9:23)

Not many verses are repeated word for word in each gospel, but here this phrase is repeated exactly the same in three of the gospels; and that implies importance to such a phrase. Are we ready to "deny ourselves" for God? To lay down our passions, our goals, our plans for Him (which really aren't necessary), and follow Him wherever He goes? I really love how his disciples, upon hearing JEsus' calling them, they left everything and followed Him; The Bible doesn't explain that, but it was something about JEsus that made them so excited, so passionate, so willing to give up ALL, to follow this man from Nazareth. Will we do the same?

Singapore has a readiness system in place, we call it total defence. Part of this is that in the event of a declaration of war on the country, the country will activate every soldier necessary (that's basically the entire population of males from 18-35 years of age) and we must be ready for an attack within 24 hours. So pagers will start beeping, phones will be ringing, tv screens flash codes for certain military staff to get back to base, and the whole country must ready itself immediately; I remember watching this happen firsthand on TV, they will flash a code like "foxtrot", and that means those belonging to "foxtrot" have to stop what they're doing and go and be armed. I always wonder.......are Christians as ready?

Wow, that wasn't short....and my water's been boiling all this time! Gotta go...

Father, today may I be ready for You. May each friend who reads this be challenges as well, and may we all, through our actions and thoughts, glorify Your name. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Day 2: A new insight on an old life

2008-02-08T21:52:00.000-08:00

Today has been an interesting day. Started bad; I woke up real late though I had a test this afternoon, and I willingly accepted the "punishment" for my laziness. If there's one thing, I never pray that God grants me a miracle for my studies, for I'm a firm believer that you "reap what you sow" (Galations 6:7). I was reminded of the verse from Proverbs 6 that hit me:

10 A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest-

11 and poverty will come on you like a bandit
and scarcity like an armed man.

Laziness, is definitely not a Christian trait. So after yesterday, I was "awoken" from my sulking and hurt and all my bitterness in a moment disappeared, in part because sent me a friend I very much needed, and this friend accompanied me all day. (Thank you!). I never understood how God can use one's brokenness for His glory, but He's used even my brokenness to bond me closer to friends, help me see problems I never once could, share more freely than I used to be able to, and He's.....taking me deeper. Thank you Lord. Today I was reminded that about three weeks ago I asked a friend: "What does it mean to be truly broken?" Ouch.....be careful for what you ask for, because wow does God listen. This broken period has not been fun, but I feel it's about time to stand up again.

I see things differently today, because I realized while there's a time to mourn, we cannot mourn forever. There's a time to start work again; or in my case, it's time for me to make a difference again. I don't think it is pride by saying this: God wants to use me to make a difference on the campus, in Mississauga, and one day the world. I just feel this is my design, and the devil has been pushing "buttons" (lately he's been pretty desperate I think....stooping so low as to press the "emergency" it-always-works-on-kenny button) in my life to stop me from serving. I think this is indication of one thing, and one thing alone: God's working!! And He's asking me to join Him. But like every battlefield, there will always be opposition.

Today I am good. Things are going to change drastically in the coming weeks, and I'm glad it's reading week soon; we need a "time out" to re-organize alot of things. But I sense a wind of change coming our way. I remember a church in Singapore, right beside my church of 200 people; they grew from 200 people to about 4,000, over a period of only a few years. MY leader told me that in that church the leaders had sensed the wind of change God was bringing about, and they were sensitive to it and responded to it. I hope we don't miss that wind of change when God moves in UTM, Mississauga, or anywhere for that matter! When His spirit moves, my question in my heart is...."will His people listen and obey"?

"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." Ephesians 5:14

Wake up Kenny! Go back to what you were designed to do, and that's definitely not sulking in bed! It hurts your back anyways! Arise, and Christ will shine so brightly on you!

As a final note for today's blog; my brother might be arriving in Canada in ten days. A very tought decision for my brother, made over the course of 2 days. To leave everything and come here, so that he can pursue a future in UTM, it's not easy. As a brother, I want to rise up and protect, guard, support, but as much as it hurts for him to go through this, he's not alone; I'm getting CCF to stand behind him to guide, nurture, FEED, tutor...whatever it takes! hehe..... ah the beauty of being One in the body of Christ.

Father, thank you for friends. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you that things don't go by MY timetable...it would suck pretty much, cos I'm more hard and condeming of myself than You ever are on me; in You there is NO condemnation. Lord, help me stand up, arise, so that others may see my life, and know that You are a good and faithful God who loves me, and EVERYONE around me. Help me shine for you, on that "city on a hill": UTM. Help me serve your people in MCEMC, and help me be a brother that can build Cliff up into a man of God that glorifies Your name. Lord, thank You once again. Once again I am filled with Joy. May this Joy never be taken away from me again. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Day 1: 40 day challenge

2008-02-07T10:25:00.000-08:00

I know I'm not to mention others here, but this one is one of those exceptions. So last night I wept a lot, because the auntie whom I lived with for two years, her husband passed away. I almost burst into tears when my Pastor told me, but being the guy that I am, I tried to hold it in. Told the church friends that were with me, and then we all prayed/cried together; I never understood why it hurt so much, because this wasn't my own father or someone I knew well, but I hurt because I knew this auntie for quite some time already. She babysitted me and my brother when we were kids, she welcomed me with open arms when I came to Canada, and even offered me a place to stay though she values her personal space. As I wept I didn't know what to say either, and I was shocked at how upset I was, and now I can only pray that I can be a support for her, and as much as she's been a mum to me, I'd like to be a son to her.

After that, I had to spend time to share this news with others, repeating the sad feeling all through the night; I had the worse headache after that, and I wonder if that's how it feels after you cry badly. I realized I wasn't only crying because of Auntie Chen's loss.... it was mostly because of that, but as I digged deeper I realized a part of me needed to cry so bad. Crying is not something that comes when I want, and this was a moment I could truly just cry out all my hurts and confusion, and the hurts of others, before God. Thank you God for creating tears; without the ability to cry and let it out we'd all go crazy.

Then at night something ticked me off, very small thing, but it was enough to spark in me an extreme action that will be painful for me and maybe for the people around me to witness or experience, but something I want to accomplish. It's called a 40-day challenge, in which I've set down certain "rules" I will follow, certain places I will not go to, certain activities I will refrain from. It's very legalistic, and as much as those "saved by grace" are no longer bogged down by rules, this is something I must do for now, to get my head straight. Even Martin Luther, the man who reintroduced the concept of grace to a church that had forgotten its meaning, even he was literally "kidnapped" and forced into a time of rest away from people, from his normal activities, and even as he saw his followers self-destruct, he had to stay back and do nothing for a certain period of time. I realize I need such a time. To be fair, I think it's only best that I make this clear to all of my friends, but I don't know how. I also don't want to "trap" myself with my words, but hey, it's not my first time making silly moves, is it? Hope this move isn't silly. Why 40 days? Well, chose that period because that's the period it took Moses on the mountain with God, Jesus in the desert, and countless other ocassions for people in the Bible. So I'll do the same for now.

I identified several problems in my heart again, and too many to write over the next few days, but in case I forget I'm just going to "attack" every problem I notice at this time:

1. Too rash.
I often make decisions (like this one) without other people's counsel. Not too good an idea, since often many of the problems I face today would have been prevented if I had asked the advice of my friends and family FIRST before doing certain things. I tend to do first, announce later *like now*

Proverbs 15:22
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

2. Too unstable.
This is the one I noticed this year, that my personal emotions and my thoughts run wild this year; I'm no longer as firm as I was even a year ago, and truth is I've never really been stable; I've simply been stable enough for a period to accomplish a certain task....then I self-destruct.

1 Peter 5:10
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

3. IMy plans, my way.
I like to "predict" the future too much. Like now - I "predict" I'll be well again in 40 days, meaning I refuse to be healed earlier than that. That's a problem with me too. Example: I predict when a certain individual will change.....problem is I usually am correct to a certain extent, and this may be simply because it was only then that I was willing to give it a shot to help that person change. I've seen this too often. I need to start creating my own timetable for "healing"....for example I've "calculated" how long before the problems I face now will die down...and sadly, my logical calculations lead me to conclude that it won't be this semester.

Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

4. Good intentions, bad results.
This is the "root" of many of my problems. People scold me but I don't fully listen, because I examine my intentions and most of them started off as good. Then as time goes by, these intentions are clouded by other "add-ons", things that weren't part of the initial intention I set out to do. Then it turns ugly, and then when I realize it I try to fix it, only to make it worse. It's like struggling in quick sand: the more you struggle, the deeper you sink. So my intentions....were they really good? Were they pure intentions? I remember even when CCF began, my intentions were questioned multiple times by different people; I had to truly dig deep and ask myself: was this God's purpose, or mine? I know now that's the one thing I probably obeyed when I should! But everything else....it's blurry. God....examine my heart, please.

Proverbs 17:3
The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the LORD tests the heart.

5. Me,myself and I
I do too many things on my own, and God's forcing me to not do so. Yet I struggle with this part.... I think alot of us do actually, without realising it. We are one body, we were not created, designed, planned, to live or work alone.

Ecclesiastes 4

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:

10 If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

Ecclesiastes 4:12
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Wow..too many problems. I have a prediction that everyday I will still find problems of my heart, and this list will never finish. What a wretched man I am, yet Jesus loves me. So it's not really the problems I wish to focus on, but the solution: Jesus and His saving grace.

Father, today I begin a journey; a journey not too sure You even want me to embark on. But then again You've been that God that gave me so many chances and time and time pick me up. Like Moses I know not what to say or do, like him before a battle I only know to lift my staff to You, yet I don't have the strength to hold up the staff anymore; like him I need you to send helpers to hold my hand up high, so that the battle will still be won. The battle lies not in my ability, but in Your hands. I ask that I not be withdrawn from Your presence these next 40 days, but that You "take me deeper, deeper than I've ever known before". That I may truly experience what it means when Your word describes the height, depth and magnitude of Your love for me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Problem #1: Compromise/Hesitation

2008-02-05T19:43:00.002-08:00

So yesterday i did it. Been talking about it, contemplating it, but I finally did it. I waited so long to do this, and gave myself multiple excuses, reasons why I could delay it. But yesterday when I was given a "window of opportunity", I knew I had to do it now-or-never. Without thinking anymore I went straight for it.....

Even when I was there, sitting there, waiting my turn...I looked at someone leaving the store; I was thinking in my head as the boy left "surely you don't have to be extreme, do you, Kenny? Surely what the boy has done is enough....why go all the way? Surely that's not necessary...After all, you know, what that boy did, seems pretty nice actually." - Compromise

While I was still thinking of that, a family came in and asked about the cost and how long it'd take (there was a lineup), and upon hearing it'll take 25 minutes before their turn, they walked out. Again, my mind started to challenge me: "Come on Kenny, you haven't paid. You can walk out right now if you'd like...noone would stop you. The price is soooo expensive here, you can do this for free at home, I'm sure the guys would enjoy doing it for you!! The lineup's pretty long....why not come again tomorrow?" - Hesitation

If you're wondering what I'm talking about, I'm actually referring to my decision today to do something for myself - may seem small and trivial to others, or even silly, but means alot to me - I went to cut my hair.....all of my hair, to be more specific. I know I know, silly thing to think so seriously about. But for me it's more than a haircut, it symbolizes a new beginning. To start afresh. And in doing so, alot of times we don't really have a fresh start; we simply start somewhere we are comfortable. But this time I knew I wanted a REAL fresh start, and the haircut was only an external expression of an internal desire. The two events above happened as I was making this decision for a haircut, and two words were brought into my mind, to help me realize problem #1 in my life (and probably in alot of people's lives):

Compromise. An Australian pastor once came and said in Singapore that the Australian church's biggest problem was compromise. I never fully understood what that meant. But right now, I think I see a glimpse of that. Sometimes we try to do something, but not to its entirety, we think going halfway will be enough. For me, the handsome young boy who left with a short, spiky hairstyle almost convinced me to cut my hair short, but not THAT short; after all, he looked nice that way, and why should I cut ALL my hair off? Noone's forcing me anyways. You may have had a similar experience. We take antibiotics, and then once we are well (or so we think) we stop taking the medicine, but truth is we were not fully well yet and risked allowing the virus to develop into a more deadly version. The Israelites did the same...well, at least one of them. God had commanded them not to take ANYTHING for themselves with regards to the "devoted things" from their enemies, but one man figured if noone got harmed, why not? Truth of the matter is he caused the Israelites to lose their next battle because of such thinking (Read Joshua 7). A more commonsense way of looking at compromise may be this: half a poison pill won't kill you, but you still wouldn't take it would you? Compromise, in my haircut situation, might have brought about little or no consequence, and noone would have thought much of a deal of it, but for me it symbolizes a problem that's more far-reaching and more common in my life than simply a visit to the hair stylist. A person once said to me "as long as it doesn't hurt anyone it's alright". But a pastor once reminded me sternly: you don't live in a vacuum; everything you do - privately or openly - will have an impact on others. I have learnt that firsthand, when things I commit or practice in private have consequences on how I live, respond, think and feel. So no more compromise. (Easier said than done; feel free to keep me accountable)

Hesitation. As I stood there, so many excuses turned up in my head to leave: it's taking too long, it's too expensive for a crew cut, the Mandarin Bible study group is waiting for me... etc. I had to literally "shut off" that part of me to remain seated there, and even when I was seated in the black leather chair and the hairdresser was asking me what style I'd like...I hesitated. Then she laughed and asked me if I want to leave it a little longer since it's winter....I hesitated again, and then finally I said no. She still had "mercy" on me, so I'm still left with some hair; apparently she didn't want to cut all my hair off. This led me to learn another problem in my heart. Hesitation, also known as procrastination. My pastor once said a phrase I can't really translate that well, but it's something like "to live for today is for God's glory, to live for tomorrow is for the devil". What he meant was that alot of us live in our tomorrows. We live saying what we will do and accomplish tomorrow, but forget to live for today. The Bible never ever says "tomorrow, choose me, etc". It says, however, "Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts..." (Hebrews 3:7b-8a). So I too have this tendency. On Monday I told myself - and this sounds pretty silly now - that I'll sulk today, and then try to smile tomorrow. Truth of the matter is I still had a hard time smiling on Tuesday, because I was thinking about how silly Monday was. I spent a whole day out alone doing silly stuff.

So now I have a new haircut. Reminds me of my army days as a recruit....haha.... my prayer, however is that this haircut is simply a reminder for me everytime I look in the mirror that I have chosen to live for today, for God. Not to sulk about yesterday, or to worry for tomorrow. Truth of the matter is, this blog will be very interesting as I slowly peel the layers of my heart; wonder what God will reveal to me today.

Father, thank you for all the lessons you've taught me even in the most simplest of ways. Help me so that the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, would truly speak of You. Let it not only be a prayer written on a blog. May this prayer extend from my keyboard and this blog, and reach into my heart where You are still at work doing what You do best: healing me in places I never knew even hurt. Bless my friends, those whom have taken time to read this blog, and may you teach us each what it means to not compromise in our actions and to never hesitate when it comes to obeying You. For Yours is the Kingdom, the power, and the Glory, forever and ever. In Jesus' name, Amen.

First Entry

2008-02-05T09:07:00.001-08:00

I guess if anywhere has to be the most me-centred place, it's a blog?

I've invited my friends to come join me in this journey of "re-discovery" and new insights, as I share about my deepest thoughts on this blog. I've made a few commitments of what this blog is, and is NOT:

1. Since it's me-centred, it will mention no other names, as far as possible; this is to respect their privacy and mine as well (since I expect them to do the same for me)

2. It's me-centred, but of course what I mean is that it is "me-centred" with the purpose of revealing my heart and my thoughts; ultimately this blog should speak of what God is doing in my life.

3. I've promised to be honest here, and I've invited literally everyone I know to come to this blog, because I'm a believer of a relationship with God that is "personal, but always meant to be private". Of course there are things I cannot share online, and that's for obvious reasons.

4. This blog's goal is two-fold: To spur me to keep a daily update of what's going on so I do not forget, and for others around me to know the words I cannot speak of.

That said, I still realise the limitations and dangers of a blog....so this blog may shut down at any moment when myself or my friends feel it is not being beneficial. I have so named the blog "the me you cannot see" because it's here I will reveal parts/hints of me that I know others cannot see when you look at me.

My first post is actually an old one, a poem I wrote 3 years ago. I am shocked to realise it is still relevant, meaning the problem I had 3 years ago has not left me; so I realise this problem is not a recent one.....it has dragged on for years, affecting how I treat my friends and family. The ultimate goal for this blog - if it were possible - would be to analyse the root of this problem, and "kill" it once and for all. With that, I could close this blog with a smile. For now, this poem kindof represents how I feel:

Beyond the mask we hide behind,
there's secrets noone knows,
Hidden by all the smiles and laughter,
The pain,we seldom show.
I've changed so much it frightens me,
My heart is hard as stone,
I have to change myself or soon,
I know...I'll be alone.

Without God I am nothing, with Him I am complete
I need His love, I need His grace, to cover over me,
But everytime I'm feeling good I turn my face from Him
and everytime I'm lost for words, I come to Him again.
The grace God gives came at a price,
a price I cannot pay,
But why do I keep rejecting Him,
day after day?

If God were like a rose,
I've trampled Him on the ground,
I know if I do not have love,
I am just an empty sound....
But why, oh why, do I keep going,
In circles round and round,
Why can't I stick to Jesus,
The love that I have found?
I keep on sinning, I keep on lying,
I do what I should not,
When what I should do is love my neighbors,
And above all, honor God.

After a storm when the rain has stopped,
And the clouds have passed me by,
I know there'll be a rainbow,
A bright and beautiful sky,
But till this dark storm fades away,
I must trust and not waiver
For suffering brings forth perseverance,
And perseverance, character.
Character brings forth hope,
A hope that I can count on,
For though I might not realize it,
God's been beside me all along.

Till my next post....
Kenny